You Aren't Alone: A Mother's Story To Understanding Pathological Demand Avoidance

If you’ve ever looked at your child and thought, “I’ve tried everything, so why is this still getting worse?”, you’re not alone. I’m sharing our story from the inside, not as a polished expert, but as a mum who felt lost and deeply blamed, then slowly found language that finally matched what we were living.

We talk about early “green flags” that didn’t get questioned, like advanced language, and the confusing moment when those strengths sat right beside hours-long meltdowns that were actually panic episodes. I unpack what Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA) can look like day to day, including sensory overwhelm, autonomy threats that hide inside ordinary routines, controlling play, rigidity that doesn’t settle with standard predictability, and the elaborate stories kids create when a simple request feels unbearable. We also explore masking, why people can be shocked by an autism diagnosis, and how the after school collapse hits hardest with the safest person at home.

I also speak to the part many families whisper about: systems that push behaviour programmes while emotional wellbeing keeps slipping. Getting an autism diagnosis brought validation, but low-demand parenting and a neurodiversity affirming community brought real change. And because so many parents recognise themselves through their children, I share my late ADHD diagnosis, burnout, and how understanding my own neurodivergence reshaped co-regulation, capacity, and compassion.

If you want support that feels human and realistic, listen through, download the free grounding audio if you need it, then subscribe, share, and leave a review so more families can find this work. What support do you need right now?

If something in this episode hit home, you don't have to figure out the next step on your own. I support families at a few different levels — from community resources through to one-on-one coaching. Come find me on Instagram at @chantal.hewitt and send me a DM. Tell me what's going on for your family and we'll work out what support looks like for you.

Transcript

1
00:00:28,523 --> 00:00:33,165
Like you've tried everything and nothing works, this one is for you.

2
00:00:33,165 --> 00:00:35,209
You are in exactly the right place.

3
00:01:10,921 --> 00:01:12,052
I'd like start with part one.

4
00:01:12,052 --> 00:01:14,274
This is before I had the language.

5
00:01:14,274 --> 00:01:16,216
We were first time parents.

6
00:01:16,216 --> 00:01:17,707
This was our first child.

7
00:01:17,707 --> 00:01:24,423
As you do with your first child, you are so engaged and all consumed by everything that
they do.

8
00:01:24,423 --> 00:01:33,632
And you second guess a lot of things and you may be a little bit anxious and you just try
to make sense of what's in front of you and do the right thing for your child.

9
00:01:33,632 --> 00:01:35,463
There was something different and

10
00:01:35,463 --> 00:01:39,945
Even though I worked with children for over 10 years already, I just I couldn't pinpoint
it.

11
00:01:39,945 --> 00:01:47,880
And it was really hard because my son's language development from about 15, 16, 17 months
was phenomenal.

12
00:01:47,880 --> 00:01:53,489
And I think you don't actually hear the opposite of what happens in child development.

13
00:01:53,489 --> 00:01:57,914
They talk about what you should be noticing if they are lacking.

14
00:01:57,914 --> 00:01:59,067
certain amount of words,

15
00:01:59,067 --> 00:02:06,833
but they don't really talk about what happens if they have an incredible amount of
language and clarity, for example, from such an early age.

16
00:02:06,833 --> 00:02:09,246
And that's what we were experiencing with our child.

17
00:02:09,246 --> 00:02:14,873
And because that wasn't really a red flag to pediatricians, doctors, our families,

18
00:02:14,873 --> 00:02:17,386
We just assumed that all was okay.

19
00:02:17,386 --> 00:02:19,168
And then the meltdowns happened.

20
00:02:19,168 --> 00:02:28,797
And I'm talking such intense meltdowns that over the years, over our boys' young years,
turned to panic attacks and panic episodes three to four hours long a day.

21
00:02:28,797 --> 00:02:35,984
And as you watch your child go through that, it is hard and it is exhausting.

22
00:02:35,984 --> 00:02:39,528
And you're just trying to do the absolute best for them.

23
00:02:39,528 --> 00:02:44,237
without actually having a roadmap of what that is, which probably was the hardest part.

24
00:02:44,237 --> 00:02:56,791
I think for us around two or just before two we noticed sensory differences to the point
where we were Googling sensory processing disorder and we were Googling.

25
00:03:07,056 --> 00:03:16,176
And also knowing that he was a boy and generally speaking, boys energy can be a little bit
more as they say or as they've told us or as the books told us.

26
00:03:16,176 --> 00:03:28,586
Something that I remember that we couldn't pinpoint what was causing this behavior in my
son or this reaction in my son, what he was communicating, because he had such great

27
00:03:28,586 --> 00:03:39,426
language, like he could say massive sentences and really express himself from such a young
age that when we were trying to make sense of his sensory experiences, it became really

28
00:03:39,426 --> 00:03:40,557
challenging.

29
00:03:57,794 --> 00:04:00,815
But yeah, for the longest time we were going, what does this mean?

30
00:04:00,815 --> 00:04:05,698
Even when we were being quiet or even if we were whispering in a different room, he would
lose his mind.

31
00:04:05,698 --> 00:04:10,040
And it wasn't just, hey, I'm mad and I'm going to yell.

32
00:04:10,040 --> 00:04:15,374
was, I'm going to, this is going to send me into a full blown meltdown for hours on end.

33
00:04:15,374 --> 00:04:16,786
And we just had to ride the wave.

34
00:04:16,786 --> 00:04:21,611
And now looking back, so it did take us a few years until we realized PDA.

35
00:04:21,611 --> 00:04:22,934
and learned more about PDA.

36
00:04:22,934 --> 00:04:25,789
And that kind of kickstarted the whole journey for us.

37
00:04:25,789 --> 00:04:35,734
The biggest thing that stood out to me when I was Googling PDA and I developing my own
expertise in that area as I was working with lot of autistic ADHD neurodivergent children

38
00:04:35,734 --> 00:04:50,784
and supporting their families in education, it was this demand avoidance, but that led to
panic or that led to running away or that led to aggression that was so not typical for

39
00:04:50,784 --> 00:04:51,505
the child.

40
00:04:51,505 --> 00:04:53,097
unless they were dysregulated.

41
00:04:53,097 --> 00:04:57,972
And I started piecing together so many experiences that our son was having

42
00:04:57,972 --> 00:05:03,749
and how everything within the day was a demand, whether it was intentional or not, it was
a demand.

43
00:05:03,749 --> 00:05:12,932
And once we realized, hey, we think this could be PDA, because we were at Wits End, my
husband and I, was really, really hard.

44
00:05:12,932 --> 00:05:23,571
we understood PDA, when we understood equalizing behavior, when we understood that this
was a nervous system difference, a nervous system shift happening when his autonomy was

45
00:05:23,571 --> 00:05:26,084
compromised or when he didn't have control.

46
00:05:26,084 --> 00:05:28,058
that yeah that that was the big one.

47
00:05:28,058 --> 00:05:42,413
One of the things was the monopolizing of play and specific to our PDA boy and I know
there's this shared characteristic among a lot of PDA children is that there is a want or

48
00:05:42,413 --> 00:05:46,117
a need to socialize or to have friendships.

49
00:05:46,117 --> 00:05:48,521
It doesn't mean that they are not

50
00:05:48,521 --> 00:05:52,154
more introverted or that they have different communication styles.

51
00:05:52,154 --> 00:05:55,466
A lot of PDA children do fall within the autism spectrum.

52
00:05:55,466 --> 00:05:57,168
The research is still coming out there.

53
00:05:57,168 --> 00:05:59,140
However, that is quite a common.

54
00:05:59,140 --> 00:05:59,912
overlap.

55
00:05:59,912 --> 00:06:11,057
And if you do actually want more details on that, head on over to episode 24 with PDA
North America, where they actually unpack this in detail with their PDA experience report,

56
00:06:11,057 --> 00:06:15,353
So, yes, please head on there if you are interested in that topic specifically.

57
00:06:15,353 --> 00:06:16,636
but here for this.

58
00:06:16,636 --> 00:06:28,557
monopolizing play, the needing to be in control or panic happened, the rigidity, absolute
rigidity, which is an autistic trait and a part of my son's neurotype as well.

59
00:06:28,557 --> 00:06:34,062
But it wasn't just that if the routines were in place it was okay for him.

60
00:06:34,062 --> 00:06:41,159
It wasn't that like a lot of other autism strategies that are helpful if there's a visual
schedule in place, predictability,

61
00:06:41,159 --> 00:06:52,901
then that rigidity, that need for sameness is supported and that predictability is
supported because what we noticed was my son was still really dysregulated if he didn't

62
00:06:52,901 --> 00:06:58,366
come up with the schedule himself or if it wasn't something that he was so invested in.

63
00:06:58,366 --> 00:07:07,686
Novelty as well, we noticed that that novelty, that dopamine hit really was an indicator
for us that, hey, this works.

64
00:07:07,686 --> 00:07:10,391
if we switch things up, he's really into it.

65
00:07:10,391 --> 00:07:14,648
But then the novelty wears off really quick, which is another PDA trait.

66
00:07:14,648 --> 00:07:24,497
And the one that I will always remember where everything clicked was the, and I'm quoting
here, but like the social strategies or getting out of things.

67
00:07:24,497 --> 00:07:35,166
Because he would tell such elaborate stories and be so into a story that he told to avoid
something so simple or what we thought was so simple.

68
00:07:35,166 --> 00:07:38,610
So if we said, Hey, let's go grab our shoes.

69
00:07:38,610 --> 00:07:39,500
It would be.

70
00:07:39,500 --> 00:07:45,192
30 minutes of what someone might call excuses, but it just didn't make sense.

71
00:07:45,192 --> 00:07:52,356
And then the other one was, I had read a lot of PDA children, they will say, my limbs
don't work.

72
00:07:52,356 --> 00:07:54,037
So my arms are broken.

73
00:07:54,037 --> 00:07:56,099
My feet are glued to the floor.

74
00:07:56,099 --> 00:08:01,011
My leg just snapped and therefore I can't do what you're asking me.

75
00:08:01,011 --> 00:08:02,382
So it was really elaborate.

76
00:08:02,382 --> 00:08:04,043
It was how he was able to

77
00:08:04,043 --> 00:08:10,872
quote unquote, get out of something, but that something was actually the demand that was
causing his anxiety and his overwhelm.

78
00:08:10,872 --> 00:08:14,815
So once we piece that together, that's when PDA became so paramount.

79
00:08:14,815 --> 00:08:25,619
And funny enough, even though we had autism in our mind, PDA was probably more at the
forefront, which happens with a lot of autistic children who are PDA, because...

80
00:08:25,619 --> 00:08:37,086
the differences that are seen in their communication, their ability to mask or their need
or want to mask to fit in is sometimes really like that much higher than a non-PDA child.

81
00:08:37,086 --> 00:08:42,630
So it's almost like PDA got in the way of us fighting for his autism diagnosis.

82
00:08:42,630 --> 00:08:48,594
And even to this day, when we tell people that our son's autistic, let alone most of our
family, they're shocked.

83
00:08:48,594 --> 00:08:50,556
because what they see is the mask.

84
00:08:50,556 --> 00:08:54,590
They see a child forcing themselves.

85
00:08:54,590 --> 00:08:59,676
And this isn't something that, you know, we encourage or that we're proud of, but this is
that power of the mask.

86
00:08:59,676 --> 00:09:11,286
And from such a young age, and I'm talking, this was three, four, even two, that he was
masking and people pleasing and trying to comply and fit in to hide his natural

87
00:09:11,286 --> 00:09:12,337
tendencies.

88
00:09:12,337 --> 00:09:15,291
But then you could see it, which is very PDA as well.

89
00:09:15,291 --> 00:09:23,267
The second that they are with their co-regulator, which was me, it was full shutdown, full
meltdown, explosion, that after school collapse.

90
00:09:23,267 --> 00:09:27,090
It was so intense and it lasted for hours and hours and hours.

91
00:09:27,090 --> 00:09:30,910
So that's the trajectory of how we realized PDA within our son.

92
00:09:30,910 --> 00:09:33,484
And I do want to mention the part about meltdowns.

93
00:09:33,484 --> 00:09:35,145
This wasn't just tantrums.

94
00:09:35,145 --> 00:09:38,791
And I even hate that word being a professional in the space.

95
00:09:38,791 --> 00:09:40,872
I don't believe that any child has a tantrum.

96
00:09:40,872 --> 00:09:50,922
I honestly believe that it's how they're communicating and that that is quite a negative
way that we look at supporting a child's communication because even adults have tantrums

97
00:09:50,922 --> 00:09:53,305
quote unquote, if we really want to put it that way.

98
00:09:53,305 --> 00:09:54,967
It is really hard to self-regulate.

99
00:09:54,967 --> 00:09:59,746
and to communicate with other people when everyone has different ways of communicating.

100
00:10:19,368 --> 00:10:23,711
of how to help him and honestly how to help ourselves as parents.

101
00:10:23,711 --> 00:10:32,000
I think the second part that I want to speak to is, if it's relevant for those who are
listening, is if you then have a second child, or wherever actually, however many children

102
00:10:32,000 --> 00:10:34,606
you have in our case, it was our first who's PDA

103
00:10:34,606 --> 00:10:45,826
But there's a new layer that gets added when it's not just the parents and the child, or
if you're a single parent and the child who's neurodivergent, it is then integrating into

104
00:10:45,826 --> 00:10:47,077
more family systems.

105
00:10:47,077 --> 00:10:58,178
And what does that look like when there is a second child or a third child or an infant
when your PDA child or your neurodivergent child is seeking autonomy or seeking control?

106
00:10:58,178 --> 00:11:04,396
or has behavior that is so troubling as a parent to watch or to manage.

107
00:11:04,396 --> 00:11:09,844
My second child was, I hate to say it, like hit in the face multiple times a day.

108
00:11:09,844 --> 00:11:17,472
And by multiple, I mean like double digits multiple for the first eight months, pretty
much, of his life.

109
00:11:17,472 --> 00:11:23,967
And it was so confusing and so hard to understand why his brother was doing this.

110
00:11:23,967 --> 00:11:26,440
And that was another thing is just it just didn't make sense.

111
00:11:26,440 --> 00:11:32,946
Like the, the behavior that we were seeing in our young child at this age, he would have
been about two to three.

112
00:11:32,946 --> 00:11:42,614
It was, it just wasn't goal oriented, which is normally that behavioral part that you see
or that you hear of is that there's a reason.

113
00:11:42,614 --> 00:11:43,795
why they're doing something.

114
00:11:43,795 --> 00:11:48,789
But even he didn't know, and it was just so confusing because we didn't know when it was
going to come.

115
00:11:48,789 --> 00:11:50,510
We tried to prevent it as much as possible.

116
00:11:50,510 --> 00:11:56,025
Then you actually feel like you're failing your poor second child or who, you know, in our
case, second child, but it could be anybody.

117
00:11:56,025 --> 00:12:04,174
But yeah, how that fits in and how you support different neurotypes within your family,
that is a whole other layer that...

118
00:12:04,174 --> 00:12:06,225
We have to factor in.

119
00:12:06,225 --> 00:12:15,927
So supporting you in your journey as a parent of a PDA child or a neurodivergent child, an
autistic child, it is not one size fits all.

120
00:12:15,927 --> 00:12:22,998
It is not something you can read in a textbook and then fully apply to your life and your
situation.

121
00:12:22,998 --> 00:12:26,355
Yes, some of it might be helpful, but in the moment...

122
00:12:26,355 --> 00:12:29,751
in reality, that textbook wasn't written about your family.

123
00:12:29,751 --> 00:12:33,394
That's why individualized support and care is so important.

124
00:12:33,394 --> 00:12:38,510
So around, yeah, when our child was about three, three and a bit, his teacher started
noticing things too.

125
00:12:38,510 --> 00:12:41,122
Question PDA, struggles with toileting.

126
00:12:41,122 --> 00:12:45,456
We talked about interception and the awareness that may or may not be there for him.

127
00:12:45,456 --> 00:12:50,130
So around that time, just after three, as parents we started pushing for answers and...

128
00:12:50,130 --> 00:13:01,047
We were quite annoyed by the professionals speaking to our child or even if he wasn't
speaking to them when we would describe his language, his vocabulary, his ability to

129
00:13:01,047 --> 00:13:08,022
understand numbers and problem solve in his head or physically like manipulating
materials, they would brush us off.

130
00:13:08,022 --> 00:13:11,805
And that was so not validating for us.

131
00:13:11,805 --> 00:13:22,942
parents when you're doing everything you can to understand why the emotional needs of your
child are being left behind by professionals who just don't understand but who should

132
00:13:22,942 --> 00:13:23,813
understand.

133
00:13:23,813 --> 00:13:25,035
That's a whole other topic.

134
00:13:25,035 --> 00:13:32,416
But every single professional, except for his teacher, I will say, but everyone would say,
here is behavior support.

135
00:13:32,416 --> 00:13:34,258
Here's a behavior program.

136
00:13:34,258 --> 00:13:37,473
Have you tried motivating his behavior?

137
00:13:37,473 --> 00:13:38,433
Have you tried this?

138
00:13:38,433 --> 00:13:39,606
Have you tried that?

139
00:13:39,606 --> 00:13:40,376
Or even...

140
00:13:40,376 --> 00:13:43,640
He's not struggling academically, so we don't need to worry.

141
00:13:43,640 --> 00:13:55,663
But how awful to hear if you are a parent just barely managing to get through your day,
that is the advice that you are met with of that's okay because he might be able to do

142
00:13:55,663 --> 00:13:56,795
math really well.

143
00:13:56,795 --> 00:13:59,898
Well, that's great, but what if he can't get into a classroom?

144
00:13:59,898 --> 00:14:03,173
What if he can't approach a teacher when he needs help?

145
00:14:03,173 --> 00:14:08,347
What if he can't express himself the way that he wants to, to appear to a friend?

146
00:14:08,347 --> 00:14:19,638
What if he wants friendships and doesn't really know how to make them because he lives in
a world where neurotypical societal norms end up being the dominant reality for him?

147
00:14:19,638 --> 00:14:21,639
And those are the things that we fight for.

148
00:14:21,639 --> 00:14:24,392
And that is why we fought for an autism diagnosis.

149
00:14:24,392 --> 00:14:26,764
So for me, labels aren't a bad thing.

150
00:14:26,764 --> 00:14:28,636
They actually mean everything.

151
00:14:28,636 --> 00:14:30,908
because they offer him support.

152
00:14:30,908 --> 00:14:37,535
And I know speaking to that, there are a lot of families who struggle to get a label or
get a diagnosis.

153
00:14:37,535 --> 00:14:40,148
So I'm really grateful that we were able to.

154
00:14:40,148 --> 00:14:50,689
But if you are in that space and you're thinking, gosh, a diagnosis isn't on the cards for
us, it's not accessible, please know that you can still get support.

155
00:14:50,689 --> 00:14:54,163
even if you don't have whatever label.

156
00:14:54,163 --> 00:14:59,388
Trust yourself, trust how you know your child and you can still support them.

157
00:14:59,388 --> 00:15:03,509
So every single professional, everyone, here's the behavior program.

158
00:15:03,509 --> 00:15:04,801
Have you tried this?

159
00:15:04,801 --> 00:15:06,161
don't worry, it'll get better.

160
00:15:06,161 --> 00:15:17,237
Well, actually, no, it's not gonna get better if you're giving my PDA child, demand
avoidant child who has a nervous system disability, an approach that significantly makes

161
00:15:17,237 --> 00:15:22,950
things worse and puts him at risk of feeling safe in his body and in his emotional
well-being.

162
00:15:22,950 --> 00:15:25,651
So we just knew in our gut that that was not

163
00:15:25,651 --> 00:15:30,086
the right thing to do and that it was actively making things worse.

164
00:15:30,086 --> 00:15:33,578
And we just kept pulling and pulling at these things and trying them.

165
00:15:33,578 --> 00:15:41,695
And the only thing that worked was low demand parenting strategies and a complete overhaul
of our parenting approach.

166
00:15:41,695 --> 00:15:51,512
I think what's probably most frustrating is that we work alongside professionals who we
hope would have the answers and they don't a lot of the time.

167
00:15:51,512 --> 00:16:02,363
It is so hard to find PDA affirming, even neurodiversity affirming, like truly
neurodiversity affirming professionals to support families who are asking for help.

168
00:16:02,363 --> 00:16:04,466
And that is not necessarily their fault.

169
00:16:04,466 --> 00:16:06,569
It is the system's fault.

170
00:16:06,569 --> 00:16:09,233
Our systems are really far behind.

171
00:16:09,233 --> 00:16:14,761
And unfortunately, we are navigating systems that aren't built for our children or built
for our families.

172
00:16:14,761 --> 00:16:20,788
And just after our son turned four, we finally got his autism diagnosis and we had to go
private, which was fine.

173
00:16:20,788 --> 00:16:27,752
But I remember the pediatrician looked at me and he almost said it like whispering.

174
00:16:27,752 --> 00:16:34,695
And he was like checking to see if I was OK, but I could just feel like tears coming.

175
00:16:34,695 --> 00:16:39,648
And he was like, I'm so sorry, you know, we can find a way.

176
00:16:39,759 --> 00:16:41,230
to manage your child.

177
00:16:41,230 --> 00:16:44,233
And I was like, no, I was like, that's not why I'm crying.

178
00:16:44,233 --> 00:16:54,134
I'm crying because even though no one else gets it, that's the validation that I have been
searching for and that we need it.

179
00:16:54,134 --> 00:17:04,193
Because now we have, yes, it's a label, but we are, or I firmly believe and advocate that
that label needs to be reshaped by the autistic community.

180
00:17:04,193 --> 00:17:05,676
needs to be strength-based.

181
00:17:05,676 --> 00:17:17,267
Autism isn't a deficit and I was so proud of our family for fighting for that and I still
am and we talk about it with our children and they know what autism is because it's part

182
00:17:17,267 --> 00:17:17,948
of their brain.

183
00:17:17,948 --> 00:17:19,259
It's it is their brain.

184
00:17:19,259 --> 00:17:20,121
It's my brain.

185
00:17:20,121 --> 00:17:22,624
So yeah that was a big moment of validation.

186
00:17:22,624 --> 00:17:26,974
was only part of it because then PDA comes into play and even then they don't understand.

187
00:17:26,974 --> 00:17:31,469
But that validation is what made the biggest difference for me as a mum.

188
00:17:31,469 --> 00:17:38,092
And that is what I strive through my communities and through my coaching work to offer
families.

189
00:17:38,092 --> 00:17:40,665
Because I can give you every strategy.

190
00:17:40,665 --> 00:17:50,487
I could point you in the direction of every low demand parenting book or low demand
strategy or declarative language and run all the workshops, which I still do.

191
00:17:50,487 --> 00:17:51,202
But...

192
00:17:51,202 --> 00:18:03,576
The biggest change comes from what I've seen and what I've experienced and kind of
collectively what our community has created together is not being isolated.

193
00:18:03,576 --> 00:18:12,426
Having people that you don't need to explain yourself to who just get it and who come
together on a regular basis to be there for each other.

194
00:18:12,426 --> 00:18:19,381
whether that is a video call, whether that is just reading a message or whether it's just
a like of a post.

195
00:18:19,381 --> 00:18:29,766
But that community that validation has made so many shifts in the parents that I support,
even in myself, it continues to help lift me up and support me in my parenting.

196
00:18:29,766 --> 00:18:32,493
Yeah, after my son's diagnosis, then...

197
00:18:32,493 --> 00:18:33,364
there was mine.

198
00:18:33,364 --> 00:18:37,655
And I know a lot of parents realize their neurodivergence through their children.

199
00:18:37,655 --> 00:18:47,697
And it is a huge shift in thinking, a big journey to go on as a parent, as a person.

200
00:18:47,697 --> 00:18:57,668
And when you're a mother and you're dealing with all these hormones of your female or
assigned female at birth and you have all of your hormones

201
00:18:57,668 --> 00:19:00,136
that shift and change throughout your life.

202
00:19:00,136 --> 00:19:04,014
And I will say this, that hormones are not an area at all of my expertise.

203
00:19:04,014 --> 00:19:09,086
I'm just speaking to my own experience with them and how I understand my intersecting
neurodivergence.

204
00:19:09,086 --> 00:19:11,873
but when my third child was born.

205
00:19:11,873 --> 00:19:13,906
My executive functioning was gone.

206
00:19:13,906 --> 00:19:15,883
I was in the biggest burnout.

207
00:19:15,883 --> 00:19:25,346
Something that I've had repeated episodes of exhaustion over and over and over again,
multiple times in my life, especially since having children and having those hormonal

208
00:19:25,346 --> 00:19:26,518
changes and shifts.

209
00:19:26,518 --> 00:19:30,680
But I reached my capacity and I couldn't function.

210
00:19:30,680 --> 00:19:33,271
And I was in educational leadership.

211
00:19:33,271 --> 00:19:34,432
I managed a team.

212
00:19:34,432 --> 00:19:40,081
I was go, go, go, go, which I now realize was my ADHD, my hyperactivity.

213
00:19:40,081 --> 00:19:42,492
And I couldn't sit still.

214
00:19:42,492 --> 00:19:43,722
My brain couldn't sit still.

215
00:19:43,722 --> 00:19:50,526
And I had this hyper fixation and this intense passion for learning as much as I could in
my area of interests.

216
00:19:50,526 --> 00:19:55,578
came to the point where ADHD was so in my face and I'd never considered it before.

217
00:19:55,578 --> 00:20:03,654
I'd actually, funny enough, like in job interviews, you get that question of, what made
you want to teach or what made you want to do what you want to do?

218
00:20:03,654 --> 00:20:07,646
And my answer, it was always like it wasn't something I ever had to script.

219
00:20:07,646 --> 00:20:08,947
It was always so genuine.

220
00:20:08,947 --> 00:20:14,009
now I realize that the reason why I have such passion for supporting

221
00:20:14,009 --> 00:20:23,375
the children that I do, the ones who have those "quote on quote" challenging behaviors or
who are misunderstood or whether they're diagnosed or not, whether they're autistic, ADHD,

222
00:20:23,375 --> 00:20:26,298
PDA, if they're anxious, anything like that.

223
00:20:26,298 --> 00:20:31,090
Any child that doesn't fit the norm or that a parent is exhausted and struggling.

224
00:20:31,090 --> 00:20:36,615
Even when I wasn't a parent yet, I always just answered this question being like, I'm not
sure.

225
00:20:36,615 --> 00:20:40,288
just, I always just feel connected to these children and I don't know why.

226
00:20:40,288 --> 00:20:46,260
and my diagnoses, diagnoses, they have given me an explanation of my why.

227
00:20:46,260 --> 00:20:52,692
It was because I was a missed neurodivergent child, no fault of my parents, know,
different times.

228
00:20:52,692 --> 00:20:58,699
But I guess I was always trying to support children in a way that I felt I was never seen.

229
00:20:58,699 --> 00:21:03,706
And that is a big reason why I do as well the work that I do and why I advocate.

230
00:21:03,706 --> 00:21:08,029
Because if we don't know, then how are we meant to support our neurodivergent children?

231
00:21:08,029 --> 00:21:15,767
So my son's diagnosis, funny enough, led to me understanding myself differently, peeling
back layers, peeling back a mask.

232
00:21:15,767 --> 00:21:23,584
And what first was an ADHD realization, I received my adult diagnosis at 34.

233
00:21:23,584 --> 00:21:25,657
And that was after my third child was born.

234
00:21:25,657 --> 00:21:32,654
And then once I tried medication, and that was a life-changing moment, by the way.

235
00:21:32,654 --> 00:21:33,796
absolutely life-changing.

236
00:21:33,796 --> 00:21:43,598
I was never someone who would be, I guess, open for whatever weird reason to accept
medication, but I just came to a point where I couldn't function, I couldn't make my

237
00:21:43,598 --> 00:21:45,121
family dinner, I couldn't...

238
00:21:45,121 --> 00:21:54,642
I was just in paralysis on the couch, like I would just be running on adrenaline and it
was just so different than burnout and I was sick of being told that I'm an overachiever.

239
00:21:54,642 --> 00:22:01,801
or that I have high expectations or that I'm too much and need to slow down because my
brain was different and I just never realized it.

240
00:22:01,801 --> 00:22:09,123
So with my ADHD, my dopamine levels in my brain being supported through medication,

241
00:22:09,123 --> 00:22:12,955
my autistic traits became very loud and very apparent.

242
00:22:12,955 --> 00:22:25,882
So my mind was a bit quieter, but then I noticed a lot of sensory differences that I guess
I'd always had, but I just pushed aside or used adrenaline to push myself through So funny

243
00:22:25,882 --> 00:22:30,308
enough, and which actually through research I've realized is really common, there is a big
overlap there.

244
00:22:30,308 --> 00:22:32,954
or co-occurrence in ADHD and autism.

245
00:22:32,954 --> 00:22:40,737
But a lot of times for women, especially late diagnosed women, ADHD traits mask autistic
traits.

246
00:22:40,737 --> 00:22:43,209
And that was so eye opening for me.

247
00:22:43,209 --> 00:22:49,581
So then I began to understand my autistic side and then connected on a different level
with my son because I understood myself more.

248
00:22:49,581 --> 00:22:51,313
And then I realized PDA.

249
00:22:51,313 --> 00:22:57,857
And it's funny because you think of the word pathological demand avoidance and this might
need a whole other episode in itself.

250
00:22:57,857 --> 00:23:07,832
to share that because it's still something that I think I carry some shame around,
probably because of that terrible deficit language of pathological demand avoidance.

251
00:23:07,832 --> 00:23:19,815
Because when I think of it for me, it just, it sounds like I am bad or disrespectful or
yeah, guess raging against systems and

252
00:23:19,915 --> 00:23:21,046
That's not what it is.

253
00:23:21,046 --> 00:23:25,380
PDA for me is like hitting a brick wall every single day.

254
00:23:25,380 --> 00:23:33,213
Despite wanting to do something, despite having the energy to do something, despite
knowing that it's something I love doing.

255
00:23:33,213 --> 00:23:34,215
I just can't do it.

256
00:23:34,215 --> 00:23:41,339
And that is so hard to explain because it seems so counterintuitive to someone who wants
to do something.

257
00:23:41,339 --> 00:23:44,841
But that's probably the simplest way that I can say it without

258
00:23:44,841 --> 00:23:46,294
possibly sounding quite silly.

259
00:23:46,294 --> 00:23:51,275
But I will say that understanding how my own need for autonomy and control.

260
00:23:51,275 --> 00:24:00,893
needs to be supported in my life, especially now that I've realized my executive
functioning capacity or lack thereof and how to support my neurodivergence.

261
00:24:00,893 --> 00:24:04,204
Yeah, that understanding for myself as a parent has been life changing.

262
00:24:04,204 --> 00:24:11,049
And I know that if you're listening, you aren't necessarily neurodivergent, but you could
be.

263
00:24:11,049 --> 00:24:13,430
And I don't say that because I'm telling you that you are.

264
00:24:13,430 --> 00:24:16,812
I'm saying it because if there was ever something in your head,

265
00:24:16,812 --> 00:24:27,348
that may be telling you that you are or that there are differences or you may be looking
at the criteria as your child is going through diagnosis or assessment and you might be

266
00:24:27,348 --> 00:24:31,316
thinking, oh gosh, this is me or that sounds familiar.

267
00:24:31,316 --> 00:24:34,448
Maybe hold on to that because maybe you are.

268
00:24:34,448 --> 00:24:41,523
And I bring this back to everything that I teach within the community, within my coaching
programs, whether that's one-on-one or group work.

269
00:24:41,523 --> 00:24:54,101
is if you are not okay as a parent, as a person in how you're regulated in your nervous
system, everything, notoriously much harder for neurodivergent people, let alone women in

270
00:24:54,101 --> 00:25:03,210
motherhood who are struggling with hormonal shifts and differences there, please know that
if you are struggling, a diagnosis or even support in that area or understanding a little

271
00:25:03,210 --> 00:25:04,417
bit more about yourself,

272
00:25:04,417 --> 00:25:12,507
could actually be life-changing for you, which means that that flow on, that carry-on
effect will shift within your child and your family.

273
00:25:12,507 --> 00:25:17,380
So just a little note there if you want to consider that, if it resonates with you.

274
00:25:17,380 --> 00:25:22,359
So yeah, it may not be relevant, but that missing piece for me was my own neurodivergence.

275
00:25:22,359 --> 00:25:27,581
And once I had that piece of the puzzle, everything started to fit into place.

276
00:25:27,581 --> 00:25:35,844
And even if you aren't neurodivergent or you don't think that you are, how you come to
show up for your child as their co-regulator, it matters.

277
00:25:35,844 --> 00:25:36,907
Are you regulated?

278
00:25:36,907 --> 00:25:38,604
How are you feeling in your emotions?

279
00:25:38,604 --> 00:25:40,257
Those things still matter.

280
00:25:40,632 --> 00:25:47,597
I do want to end with just saying that I'm not here showing up as someone who has figured
this out just from the outside.

281
00:25:47,597 --> 00:26:00,047
There is that professional work there and I have training and I find it extremely helpful
when I'm making sense of child development, psychology, also the gaps within our academic

282
00:26:00,047 --> 00:26:02,029
systems, but that's a story for a different day.

283
00:26:02,029 --> 00:26:11,797
But I have those trainings, those understandings, and I'm telling you that my biggest
understanding has actually come because I am here showing up as someone who has lived

284
00:26:11,797 --> 00:26:22,192
this, who is still living it, and who's found a way through that's worked for our family
and sharing that knowledge with other mothers or other co-regulators of their children.

285
00:26:22,192 --> 00:26:24,991
I've seen such amazing transformations.

286
00:26:24,991 --> 00:26:36,039
So this space, you're listening, if you're still listening after this whole longer
episode, this space that I've created is for exhausted parents who are navigating, their

287
00:26:36,039 --> 00:26:47,144
neurodivergent children or neurodivergent families, mothers or caregivers who are done
with strategies that just don't fit their child and in their body, in their bones, they

288
00:26:47,144 --> 00:26:47,995
know that.

289
00:26:47,995 --> 00:26:59,562
If you are here because you just want to be understood or feel validated, if you've been
searching for someone who gets it, not just professionally, but personally as well, I hope

290
00:26:59,562 --> 00:27:04,865
that this feels like you've landed in the right place because you really don't have to
keep doing this alone.

291
00:27:04,865 --> 00:27:16,638
If this episode resonated and you may be craving a moment of genuine calm or reflection, I
recorded a short audio meditation just for parents, just for you to settle you in and

292
00:27:16,638 --> 00:27:21,772
ground you if you need a little bit of guidance in a hard moment.

293
00:27:21,772 --> 00:27:22,643
It is free.

294
00:27:22,643 --> 00:27:24,768
I will link it below in the show notes.

295
00:27:24,768 --> 00:27:27,634
I hope you download and I hope you listen.

296
00:27:27,634 --> 00:27:29,602
stick around for the next episode

297
00:27:29,602 --> 00:27:39,043
where I will be walking you through some of the biggest mindset shifts that I work with
daily within the community, within the families that I work with.

298
00:27:39,043 --> 00:27:42,167
this is an episode that you will not want to skip.