Autism Parenting with PDA: Practical Tips for Demand Avoidant Profiles: Boundary Setting and Better Parent Child Communication | Pathological Demand Avoidance Strategies

In this episode, we unpack PDA within autism parenting and PDA as it's own neurodivergent profile and share practical tips in low demand parenting for demand avoidant profiles to reduce anxiety and improve parent and child communication. Learn how to set realistic boundaries in line with your family values, understand how to use declarative languge the right way, and strategies to support your child with PDA and autism spectrum needs.

Declarative language is often misunderstood within low-demand parenting. However, if done correctly, it can significantly support the anxiety and the stress response within your PDA child, your demand avoidant child, leading to a calmer, more connected home and a more sustainable relationship."

• What you’ll learn:
  • Understanding PDA within autism and what it looks like in daily life (autism spectrum, PDA autism parenting, neurodivergent parenting challenges, autism behaviour needs)
  • How to set the right boundaries that align with your family values
  • How to use declarative language properly to support autonomy not increase your child's threat response
  • Strategies to improve parent–child communication and connection
• Key takeaways 
  • Low demand parenting is a daily practice that is absolutely essential to your PDA child's wellbeing
  • Start with small, consistent boundaries that link to your specific family values to reduce anxiety triggers 
  • Reframe behavior as communication from a needs-driven perspective.
• Follow Attuned Spectrum Podcast on Spotify or your preferred listening platform!
• Leave a review to share what resonated and help others discover it.
• Join the waitlist for Raising PDA Children: chantalhewitt.com/waitlist

The episode concludes with a teaser for a forthcoming episode on values-led parenting, where you’ll craft your own family values roadmap to move from burnout to relief. By the end, you’ll have a ready-to-use toolkit: a clear boundary framework, targeted language scripts, and a step-by-step plan to reduce eggshell-walking and create a calmer, more connected home for your PDA child and the entire family.

Transcript

Chantal Hewitt (00:00)
Declarative language is often misunderstood. However, if done correctly, it can significantly support the anxiety and the stress response within your PDA child, your demand avoidant child, leading to a calmer, more connected home and a more sustainable relationship.

based on collaboration opposed to negotiation, based on respect and based on safety for your PDA child.

Within low demand parenting, there are different techniques that can help support your PDA child.

Lowering demands is essentially what you're hearing. It is lowering demands for your child. It doesn't mean you are not setting a good example. It doesn't mean that you are letting them run wild. And it also doesn't mean that you are letting them get away with a lot of things. Even family to family, whether your child's PDA or not compared to the next one.

All families operate differently. So the way that one family does something based on their family values will be different than another family and how they do things. Doesn't mean that one is right or wrong, but it is okay to have different family values and to acknowledge those values in your parenting and then model those values for your child.

the biggest thing is you. You as a parent have to shift how you approach your parenting. Until that happens, you will probably not get as far as you were hoping to.

My wait list for raising PDA children is now officially open. I welcome you to head on over chantalhewitt.com/waitlist If you feel like you need a little bit of extra support right now, it could be just with one thing. It could be a bunch of things. I invite you to come into our group coaching program. We meet once a month, but then we stay in contact throughout.

all the days in the months. You can participate as much as possible, you can pull back. It is a month to month commitment and I have created this space because I know that parents are struggling and I know that there is relief from the burnout and from the eggshell walking that you are spending your days doing. If you are struggling right now, head on over. I will put the link in the show notes below.

Okay.

I discussed low demand strategies in my myths of PDA parenting and within what it actually means or what other people think it means to be low demand. One of the biggest areas of understanding low demand parenting is this idea or this myth as was busted in the previous episode or previous video depending on where you are watching or listening.

whether it is on a Toon Spectrum podcast or on my YouTube channel.

side note if you didn't know and you listen to a Toon Spectrum podcast do you know I also have a YouTube channel I will link that down below for you and if you are on the YouTube channel do you know that you can also listen to the Toon Spectrum podcast

just a different way to consume information and to connect. So wherever you show up, whether it's both or one, I am so grateful that you are here.

So today we will talk specifically about how to set boundaries and how to set boundaries that make sense for your family. I spoke a few episodes ago about the deep dive that we are about to do that's actually coming next. So if you are listening in real time make sure you come back next week. That is when I will be making my full long master class, like master course workshop.

on values-led parenting live for you. So if that is something that is of interest, we will be diving super deep into boundary setting there. And in that episode you will actually be walking away with a concrete guide that you create yourself. So like your own values, family values path forward, and you will be able to apply

apply what you have created in that masterclass within your family and you'll be able to start seeing real shifts whether that is in behaviors that you find challenging, whether that is in the nervous system safety of your child or perhaps sibling dynamics or essentially just walking a little bit less on eggshells in your home. I personally, I know that that is really hard and I cannot express enough.

this feeling of relief when you don't have to do it anymore.

And a big part of that actually starts with this episode, is understanding low demand parenting in action. So let's dive right into boundary setting.

And if it is of interest, I have a low pressure PDA language guide. I will link below. It is in the description or within the show notes, or you can head on over now to chantelhewitt.com forward slash PDA.

that will give you some scripts that you can use or try with your child in a way that feels like a good starting point, especially if using declarative language or low demand parenting or low pressure language is something that you are new to exploring. So this is a great guide if you want to explore that.

So I look at it in three ways of how to set a boundary with my child within our home. And I think just taking a big step back and looking at what a boundary actually is. So for me, the way that I see it, a boundary is, it's not necessarily a rule, it's...

It's like an understanding. So it is something that we do put in place and we explain intentionally to our child. So it is based on a value or value systems within our family. And before we had this value system, it was really hard to justify the boundaries that we were putting in place or weren't putting in place. So I'm going to give you an example. In our home, we have a boundary.

that has to do with supporting everyone's autonomy.

In our home, we have a boundary that is we don't hurt one another. So we are able to have our autonomy and have control as long as our actions do not impact on the autonomy of someone else and do not impact their wellbeing. They do not hurt them. So we do have those conversations. So what we did...

was as a family, and we will get way more into this in the masterclass that I just spoke of, What we do is we figure out what boundary we need to put in place. So I will use the example that I just said of not hurting somebody. I have three children, two of them. The oldest is my PDA autistic son, and then my second who...

who believes ADHD, when they play, just navigating that dynamic of being best friends and then also knowing that the older one, who is PDA, is extremely controlling at times of our younger one

So using this specific boundary of our son or people in our home can have autonomy as much as they need as long as it is not impacting on the safety or wellbeing or autonomy of another family member. And I will give you an example. We have a little girl, that's our youngest child, and my PDA son, if he's really dysregulated, he will be demanding that he holds her.

that he cuddles her, that he needs her. Almost like when he uses me to co-regulate as his primary co-regulator, he has almost started using his sister. They have an incredible bond, incredible relationship, but when he is in that state, it is no longer safe.

lot of the time for him to be grabbing her, forcing connection on her when she doesn't want it. So we are really clear if that happens. Of course if she's happy to accept a cuddle that is different, but we do have the conversation around that boundary. So we do put this boundary in place. So that is step one. Step one is deciding what the boundary is and then what value it connects back to. So...

To sum up, the boundary that I'm using as an example is that my children and myself and my husband within our home, we respect one another's autonomy. So we get to express our autonomy as long as it is not affecting the wellbeing or if it starts affecting the safety of another member in the home.

When I'm saying that, that could actually be interpreted as quite broad. Obviously, I'm just sharing this one value right now. I will go into so much more detail in the following episode. So there is more at play than just this one. So it doesn't mean that he can stay up till midnight or two in the morning if he wants to to protect his autonomy because we also have another value about what that

healthy, keeping ourselves healthy looks like and sleep is actually really important for our family to recharge that battery. So all these things, they can never be taken in isolation. So just keep that in mind. Even if you're just watching somebody else in a boundary that they put in place, you're only seeing that one part. So it's so important to remember that as well. Just as the parent who's putting these boundaries in place is that somebody might just see one thing and have an opinion of it, of what you do.

but you know and you need to be confident in knowing that these boundaries don't operate in isolation of one another and they don't operate in isolation of other family values that you have, which are really personal to your family and if they make sense to you then that is what's important.

The boundary is we do not harm the other person in order to gain our autonomy. So that kind of will fall into a bunch of things. But for me, a lot of it is the verbal words that we use. If that becomes harmful and if somebody is not happy, obviously, then that is big. That affects the well-being of another family member. And that is one that we come back to often. So if you were listening to last week...

I was talking about television and how that is a boundary that we don't have anymore because we understand that the regulation for our child is supported if he has the autonomy to watch something leading up to the transition to dinner time. And that is so important because it actually allows him to be regulated when he comes to the table to eat or is eating and he actually gets food in his body and sometimes that is a big struggle.

with autistic children or PDA children in general because they resist the demand even if they know that they're hungry or perhaps they don't actually know when they're really, really hungry or leading up to being hungry and then...

there is a big meltdown because they're not actually recognizing that in time and then becoming so hungry that then they even are just resisting eating. And eating itself and knowing that you have to eat when you're doing something else can be quite a big demand, an internal demand as well.

So if we look at the TV example that I gave last time, of the TV being regulating for my son and allowing him to transition safely most of the time to dinner so he can be fed, that actually has a couple values of ours at play. But if I look at that before where I would say, no, I'm going to take the TV away, what I'm actually doing is I'm taking away the regulation tool.

And then that becomes a behavioral response that I'm kind of trying to get this motivation or this consequence and control over the situation and it always backfires. It always backfires because it doesn't work for their nervous system. So if we look at that example of the TV, I would ask myself when I'm creating this boundary or putting a boundary in place, does it support our family values?

when I really think of it, cannot think of how putting on a TV leading up to dinner time harms anyone's well-being. Like just them sitting and watching TV. If anything it is the complete opposite. So going through that process and actually understanding and really pulling apart what values are important to your family will give you that grounding and that confidence to move forward with a plan when you do need to put boundaries in place because

Of course you need boundaries. It's ridiculous to think that a parent of a PDA child is not putting rules and boundaries in place. It just doesn't need to be super strict compliance focus rules that support the parent who says because I said so. This isn't about a power struggle and if you have a PDA child or if you're a PDA parent yourself to a PDA child you will know that power struggles do not lead to anywhere good. So it is

really, really great to get clear on your family values and the boundaries that you put in place based on those values.

Okay, so the second part, so we just went over how to kind of figure out how to set a boundary what the boundary is and how that is important to your child, to your family.

Now I do want to give you just something to think about to prepare you for next week, especially if you are excited and want to come and watch that next video or listen to the next episode.

if you are envisioning a really happy family, a content family, a safe family, what does that look like?

When I think of those things, I think of ease and laughter and freedom to explore and be creative and to learn from one another. And it might look different for you as a parent with your family.

But then I work backwards and I think, okay, what is important as a value within those things? What values do we hold as a family that would lead to the success of that happening sustainably?

For me, one of them is supporting everyone's autonomy to have that freedom and control within the safety of their nervous system to explore, to be curious, to grow and learn and feel confident in themselves. We'll get way more into this next week, so please jump in and watch that, but this is just the beginning.

So please start to think of those things, tease that out. And you might even ask yourself in your parenting day by day.

If you're standing your ground on something, why? It may be really necessary. I'm not saying it's not. However, is it always? Pick your battles and not pick your battles as in giving in. Sometimes you do need to. But really look at protecting your energy and what does it look like if you dropped a boundary? What happens if you let go?

of a rigid boundary that you've been holding onto, possibly because of a power struggle. That was me with the TV. I'm not gonna lie, at times it is still really challenging, but just watching what happens in my son, in the safety that he feels, and how he's relaxed, it allows him to eat food, like my friends' children who have no issue coming to the table.

So unpacking your family values, what's important to you and really understanding is this necessary right now? Do I need to in this moment put this in place? Again, seat belts? Yes. Helmets? Yes. For me, it's safety. That's one of my core values. We keep each other safe and healthy and...

That is my responsibility as a parent and I will communicate that with them. And there will be resistance. So it's not about never having the resistance with your PDA child. It is about being transparent, having an open communication or dialogue with them. So then that allows for that collaboration. And then it's also about understanding what their needs are.

and then understanding their capacity and advocating for that capacity as well as teaching them about their capacity because as I was saying it is very hard to go through life without change without uncertainty without demands it's everywhere

And we don't need to force our PDA children to comply with demands of life in a way that causes them to be highly anxious, unsettled, unable to access an education.

But what we can do is we can teach them about values, allow them to construct what's really important to them based on their values. We can give them ideas. We can teach them how to collaborate with us, which then will help model how they can do that later on in their life as they develop and as they grow.

So boundary setting is super important and it's part of a low demand parenting approach.

but it needs to be done wisely and it needs to be done in collaboration, if possible, with your PDA child. It will look different from if they're quite a young child, like three years old, four years old, or if they are a teenager or a young adult, possibly still living with you or that you're communicating with like on a regular basis. So it will look different, but it doesn't mean that it's not necessary to put boundaries in place.

in collaboration with them. So that is really, really important to have a successful low demand parenting approach.

The last thing that I want to touch on is declarative language. It is also very important that we understand how to use declarative language and how to use it properly. When I say properly, I mean that a lot of the times declarative language is taught almost as a way to help the parent.

almost trick the child, like it still is about the parent's expectation that the child needs to do something. For example, you want them to brush their teeth. You know that it's really hard for them to brush your teeth, but you're trying to find every way to almost trick them by removing the demand. But children are quite intelligent and they will probably see through that and they will eventually see that demand.

as well or they will feel that demand. So just keep that in mind. We also need to ask ourselves, I feel as parents of PDA children or a PDA child is who am I putting this in place for? Because if the answer and sometimes the answer does need to be for the parent, okay, but if the answer is consistently

it's for me. It's because it makes me feel more comfortable. It's because I'm rushed. I have to get to work, which you do. I get it. That's a whole different story. But if that is the reason and it's not to protect your child's safety, protect your child's capacity, and it might be that you're putting it in place so their teeth don't fall out. And that is fair. Like hygiene is so challenging. If that is something you're struggling with, I would love to know if you want me to.

create content on that specifically, comment a yes below. So I know that that is something that you would like me to go into with some specific strategies or a guide even to support you there.

So declarative language is declaring something. So I'm saying my journal is on the table. Or your dinner is on the table. Or the dinner is on the table. So it does take some practice and sometimes that sentence might be a demand or it's just a way of kind of brainstorming of how can I reduce pressure? So that's what low demand... This is what declarative language means in a low demand parenting approach is...

How can I declare things that my child will hopefully not perceive as a threat to their nervous system? So it's not about disguising demands. So that's where it gets a bit tricky and it gets a bit muddled there of who is it for. It is about how can I lower their anxiety response? How can I make sure that they feel safe? Because there are demands of life and we will have to support our children through those.

but there are alternative ways through language to be more collaborative, more positive and supportive of them as they do navigate their day with reduced anxiety and with confidence and competence within themselves that they can do things despite how their nervous system does respond. So if we are modeling...

declarative language to them in a way that actually is coming from, you know, a place of we want you to feel safe and collaborating with them and teaching them to recognize these things, depending on, you know, their age and their capacity or abilities, then that is a way forward sustainably for your child and for your whole family.

To sum up, low demand parenting, declarative language, boundary setting, it is all a practice. It can't be something that you force. It does have to be something that you fully take on board and it will take time. But I'm telling you, like hand over heart, this parenting approach is the way to lift your child or your family from a state of

burnout, walking on eggshells, high anxiety, to relief. It might take one family a little bit longer than another one. Sometimes you take 20 steps back and like three steps forward and other days you have no idea what you're doing. That is the truth. But you can know everything on PDA, demand avoidance,

supporting your PDA child, you can read all of the books on low demand parenting. You can search the web, you could listen to every episode of this podcast and all the other ones But the biggest thing is you. You as a parent have to shift how you approach your parenting. Until that happens, you will probably not get as far as you were hoping to.

My wait list for raising PDA children is now officially open. I welcome you to head on over chantalhewitt.com/waitlist If you feel like you need a little bit of extra support right now, it could be just with one thing. It could be a bunch of things. I invite you to come into our group coaching program. We meet once a month, but then we stay in contact throughout.

all the days in the months. You can participate as much as possible, you can pull back. It is a month to month commitment and I have created this space because I know that parents are struggling and I know that there is relief from the burnout and from the eggshell walking that you are spending your days doing. If you are struggling right now, head on over. I will put the link in the show notes below.

Next week, we will be diving into a masterclass on how to set your family values and that A to Z roadmap from burnout through to relief. In detail, we will be doing this together.