PDA Low Demand Parenting vs. Lazy Parenting: The Truth About PDA | Pathological Demand Avoidance

Low Demand Parenting and PDA Autism are frequently misunderstood as "lazy" or "passive," but they are actually essential, safety-led strategies for the Autism Spectrum.

I know the exhaustion of being judged for your parenting . When others see us lowering demands, they often mistake it for a lack of discipline, but PDA & Autism parenting is the furthest thing from lazy. It requires immense brain power to manage complex sensory needs, navigate meltdowns, and maintain constant nervous system regulation for the whole family.

In this episode, I’m busting three massive myths that keep parents stuck in shame: the idea that we are "lazy," the fear that we have no boundaries, and the misconception that PDA is just "bad behaviour" or intentional defiance.

We explore how an autonomy-focused approach actually builds a secure attachment by prioritising co-regulation over forced obedience.

By shifting our lens, we can support our children to come out of burnout and finally thrive in a world that wasn't built for their neurotype.

Key Takeaways:

• Busting the "Lazy" Label: Why low demand parenting is an active, high-energy choice that requires more intentionality than traditional methods.
• Values-Led Boundaries: How to set essential family boundaries without triggering a threat response or compromising your child's autonomy.
• Reframing Defiance: Shifting from "bad behaviour" to seeing PDA as a nervous system-driven need for safety and control.
• The Autonomy Threshold: Understanding how equity versus equality applies to your child's capacity for demands.

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Join the waitlist now at chantalhewitt.com/waitlist to secure an exclusive discount for your first three months.

Transcript

Chantal Hewitt (00:00)

Is PDA just bad behaviour and defiance? in this episode,

I will break down the truth behind these myths and bust them out of the water

you will walk away feeling more confident in understanding why your parenting approach.

works for your PDA child and their specific nervous system needs. You will be able to confidently advocate for your parenting approach and to be really clear of how other people can do the same.

No more feeling embarrassed by PDA parenting strategies. Let's dive in and bust these myths wide open.

Let's remove the shame and normalize why you parent the way that you do.

I would love to share my community raising PDA Children is on a waitlist at the moment. The waitlist is open in just over three weeks time. I will be opening the doors to this community. And if you have jumped on the waitlist, which I know so many of you already have, you have received an exclusive discount code for your first three months.

All you need to do is head on over to chantalhewitt.com/waitlist Again, grab your discount and would love to welcome you if it felt right in a few weeks time.

Of course, if you are listening and it is after March 2026, you can still head on over to the waitlist link. However, it will be for the next cohort of families.

Within Raising PDA Community, you get 24-7 access to a supportive app at your fingertips. If you need assistance, if you need mentorship, if you need to bounce an idea off someone, if you just need to know that you are not in this alone, you will get that support.

Okay, there are a few things here, that I want to bust.

Myth one is that low demand parenting is lazy, more lazy parenting. And I am laughing because I do parent, I would like to say in a very low demand way. And I support other parents to support their PDA child and their family to parent as well in a low demand way. But when people don't know what low demand means and what it is,

from the outside looking in, it apparently looks lazy. I think that this is the furthest from the truth. I actually think that low demand parenting for your PDA, autistic, neurodivergent child is the complete opposite of lazy. It actually takes so much brain power because you are not just sitting there letting them run wild. Like I think it...

sometimes looks. What you are instead doing is you are probably forcing your mind into these cycles and these loops of overthinking, being stressed of every outing that you try to plan, how to ensure if your child is on medication do you have the medications and how are other people going to perceive that you medicate your child. How

Are you going to navigate this meltdown, this sensory experience, this new environment? Is it going to be different than the last outing or the routine that your child has perceived? There are so many things that parents of PDA children or parents who use a low demand parenting approach have to consider. And I don't say that lightly. It is exhausting.

And it is not the child's fault. It is just the reality of how to support their nervous system. And if you have been leaning into a low demand parenting approach, I bet that you have experienced what happens if you do not parent that way. Because that is usually when people realize, my goodness, there is no other way. We really need to pivot. We need to shift gears here and we need to adapt a true

low demand parenting style in order to help our PDA child come out of burnout, thrive, feel safe in the world and have a secure relationship with themselves and with others. Low demand is literally one of the only ways or the biggest way. But I guarantee you that you are not a lazy parent if you low demand parent your PDA child.

You are anything but lazy. I really hope that you know that. I know and the people who know what you're going through and what your child is going through, they know how much energy, care,

navigating systems and advocating. It is nothing like a lazy parent. I don't even want to use that term. So you're doing amazing and I hope that you can feel confident in that and trust yourself that you are lowering demands. That's what low demand parenting is. You aren't doing it because you don't want to engage with your child. You're actually doing it for the opposite reason.

you're doing it to create a safe and secure environment for them so their nervous system doesn't have to be triggered constantly by fight, flight, freeze with their fawn response. It needs to be intentional, it needs to be well thought out and there is a lot of trial and error in low demand parenting and which areas you can kind of see where you're

child's capacity is at that day. So you aren't just managing your PDA child in a low demand parenting approach. You are managing your other children, how they interact. Do you use the same approach for them or do we look at equity versus equality there in their nervous system? Do they have the same nervous system needs or are they different? If we go out in public, how are others perceiving this? Even if you're the most confident low demand parent,

out there, I think it's just human to get into our own heads sometimes. So if you needed to hear it today, please know that you are not a lazy, low demand parent.

Low-demand parenting at its core, it requires so much energy that you need to exert to be the primary co-regulator for your PDA child. Co-regulation, you're the co, there's both of you. Self-regulation cannot actually happen until you have a really strong co-regulation bond with your child. That in itself is taxing.

for the co-regulator.

So no, you're not lazy. That is a huge myth. You are just really in tuned to your child's needs and that will get them very far.

myth two.

My favorite one, low demand parenting means that you don't have boundaries or that you don't set boundaries with your child. No, it doesn't. I think that this is an area that requires support if somebody doesn't understand or isn't really sure what a boundary looks like or how they can set a boundary without setting off the nervous system response of their PDA child.

But parenting a PDA child doesn't mean that you let them roam wild, that you're not caring for them, that they aren't being safe, that it like that's nothing about what it is. Like I said before, you are intentionally putting in place lower demands, commands, removing questions,

You're intentionally altering the language that you use with your child. You are lowering your tone perhaps. You are reading their nervous system cues. You aren't forcing them to do things that make them feel unsafe. I think when we bring in the word safety and well-being and look at it that way...

No parent, I would hope, would want to be doing that to their child. So low demand parenting actually supports that in your PDA child. It supports their ability to have their autonomy cup, here's their cup, to fill up their autonomy cup so their capacity is a bit higher, so their battery is more energized or full, more full, and then they're able to carry on throughout their day more easily.

So the truth is that boundaries are essential to trust and attachment with your child. You, any family will have different boundaries or sets of boundaries based on values, whether they do the work to understand what those values are or whether they just have these boundaries in place. It will look different family to family and that is okay.

So it is okay if you have a boundary that you put in place with your PDA child or within your family that another family doesn't have. You will have made it really clear or possibly a lot of trial and error of actually the TV is allowed to be on because it helps support the regulation of my child. I know that if this, if we use TV,

or a specific show or an iPad or something that they are comfortable with, you will be monitoring and making sure they're safe and knowing that at the end of the day, you are able to look at a cost benefit analysis there and say, all right, I know I might feel uncomfortable with a little bit more screen time. However, the benefit of him or her or them having the screen time is that they then are able to eat dinner.

opposed to them being extremely dysregulated, not being able to have any food whatsoever, and then being on high alert in a state of nervous system dysregulation for hours and hours upon end that doesn't just end necessarily that evening, but it can carry over. And then that's where that burnout happens, that accumulation of that overwhelm and that response within their nervous system.

And think it's also really important that when we look at this idea of boundaries, rules, whatever you want to call them, know, codes of conduct. I know some families call them like, you know, your family code of conduct or your respectful boundaries within the family. And we're not going to get into this in this episode, but just so you know, in a few episodes, I actually have a plan to walk you through.

My step-by-step values approach that allows us as a family to agree upon boundaries. And that has been one of the main drivers for our sustainable success and my PDA son's happiness and sustainable wellbeing. Because we are all on board with understanding what our values are, how we can support those values, what our boundaries need to be that we do put in place, which ones we need to let go of.

And this also is never set in stone. Yes, consistency is so important, but so is learning. As a parent, you're always learning. We model that to our children and it is okay if things change. Life is about change. And I'm speaking as an autistic adult who significantly struggles with change, but I also crave change. It's a different story with competing neuro types, but.

Change is inevitable, it happens, it is there. So it is okay to come up with boundaries and then need to shift them from time to time. What we're doing though is when we talk about boundaries and putting in place boundaries, we have to look at the intention behind those boundaries. So the intention for example, in my home our children are allowed to jump on the couch. They weren't for a little while.

But what we found was that the reason behind the jumping was because our child needed that extra input. Yes, we have two separate trampolines. If anyone is thinking that, that they could jump on the trampoline. And yes, that redirect might work for a lot of children. For my PDA autistic son, it does not. Actually is a huge trigger for him. So at the end of the day, we looked at what our values were.

One of our main values is supporting the wellbeing of the members of this home and our family. And I looked at that and said, my husband and I, and we said, okay, yes, they're jumping on a couch. No one has hurt themselves. We make it really clear, because then there are boundaries when we go to other people's houses that other people may have a different boundary. They might have a different rule And we do respect that.

My children don't go to other people's houses and start jumping all over their couch. They understand because, and they might not get it the first time, but that's okay. They're learning as well. But if you are really clear on the boundary and why it's there and the intention behind it, your child is able to withstand, as long as they are regulated more within their nervous system, that there are boundaries in place. You know? Another boundary.

We need to wear seat belts. We wear helmets. So it doesn't mean you let your children run wild. It means that you are actually managing a nervous system disability, perhaps your own, as well as a parent, your own sensory needs, dysregulation, and boundaries are necessary. But sometimes we go overboard with them. And that's my opinion that sometimes we do. I just like to actually get into the why. Why do we have a boundary in place?

Is the boundary essential? Does the boundary support the values of my family? If the answer is yes, then I normally will keep that boundary. If the answer is no, actually, it's causing a lot of distress for whatever reason, and it's not necessary, such as my TV example and eating, then that's where I drop the boundary.

So when we look at that difference between the reason behind the boundary, if we put in a boundary that supports our values as a family, again, if you don't have that yet or you haven't really found a way to figure out what boundaries to put in place, please just stay tuned. In a couple of weeks, there will be an episode.

that goes over these boundaries and how to connect the boundaries to your values. So we will go through that together.

So there is that difference between that way, the intention behind the boundary connected to values and then forcing obedience. So the whole traditional, why can't I do this? Because I said so. I don't even wanna go into that, but what is that teaching them, right? Like literally what is that teaching them?

Myth number three, isn't PDA just bad behavior? Isn't it just defiance? Isn't it just the parent not knowing how to control their child? No. In fact, PDA, pathological demand avoidance, pervasive drive for autonomy, persistent drive for autonomy,

need within your child, within the neurotype of a PDA person, this need for control and autonomy in order to feel safe. That's the difference. In order to have a safe nervous system, a regulated nervous system, a PDAer, a PDA child or person, their autonomy threshold is like here.

someone who's not PDA, they may be able to withstand a lot more kind of losses to autonomy. So if we look at equity versus equality, if you've got a PDA here with a threshold down here and then a non-PDA up here with a higher threshold and you give them the same

instruction command demand considering you know their capacity for that day the PDA child might show a lot of defiant if you're listening on the podcast I have quoted the word defiant behavior but we need to look at what's lying underneath that behavior PDA is not defiance PDA is a response so what you see on the outside the external behavior

is a response to an activation within their nervous system. They feel under threat and not safe and therefore

they may become aggressive, they're in fight, they may run away and hide, they may elope and run off your property, they...

which is your flight, they may fawn and comply based on a different environment. They may mask heavily and then that kind of explodes later. But these responses, they are not intentionally defiant because I would love to believe and I genuinely do believe that no child, whether PDA, neurodivergent, just in general, the behaviour that you see

is always a signal for what you are missing that they are communicating underneath that signal. Okay? So if we really dig deep, and sometimes you actually don't have to dig deep, it's like right there in your face, but if we switch our lens to looking at what is influencing, or like lying beneath the defiance that we're seeing, that we perceive as defiance or challenging behavior, then we can actually see PDA at its core.

And that is anxiety, fear, feeling threatened, feeling that they have to equalise, they have to one up, they have to gain this autonomy, this control back. And to do that, they're not in their rational thinking brain. So that's why a lot of the times they can become aggressive, they can say quite hurtful things, they can demand and...

They can tell stories, they can lie, can do these things that traditional parenting would say that we punish, but really we need to see what's beneath that behaviour in order to support our PDA child.

Okay, so summing up those three myths, myth number one, you are not a lazy parent for low demand parenting. Myth number two.

Low demand parenting means that you don't put boundaries in place. And myth number three is that low demand parenting is actually contributing to the defiance. So is PDA just defiant behavior? I would love to know, give a comment below. Do you hear these often? Have I missed any? Would love to know.

Comment yes in the comments.

I would love to share my community raising PDA Children is on a waitlist at the moment. The waitlist is open in just over three weeks time. I will be opening the doors to this community. And if you have jumped on the waitlist, which I know so many of you already have, you have received an exclusive discount code for your first three months.

By the way, you don't even have to use it for three months. You can literally just use it for the first month. See if the community is right for you. I personally believe that it will be amazing for you if you have continued to watch these videos, listen to the Attuned Spectrum podcast. If this content is resonating with you, just wait if you become a community member. I love the personalized coaching, the tools, the resources.

The biggest thing that I hear from parents within the community is just how validated they feel and just knowing that there are others around the world that they can connect with, that they don't have to feel judged by their parenting approach, that they can bounce ideas off of, that they can feel seen and heard and supported. If that sounds like something that you are after right now,

All you need to do is head on over to chantalhewitt.com/waitlist Again, grab your discount and would love to welcome you if it felt right in a few weeks time.

Of course, if you are listening and it is after ⁓ March 2026, you can still head on over to the waitlist link. However, it will be for the next cohort of families.

Within Raising PDA Community, you get 24-7 access to a supportive app at your fingertips. If you need assistance, if you need mentorship, if you need to bounce an idea off someone, if you just need to know that you are not in this alone, you will get that support.

Hope to see you inside.