Attuned Parenting for Autistic & PDA Kids: Stop Collecting Strategies — Build These 3 Foundations

If you’ve been collecting strategy after strategy and still feel stuck in meltdowns, shutdowns, or constant overwhelm, I want you to hear this clearly: it’s not because you’re doing it wrong. It’s because strategies only work when the right foundations are in place for your child’s nervous system — and for you.

In this episode, I talk about:

• Why “more tools” often don’t create real change for autistic and PDA children.
• The three foundations I see underneath calmer, more connected homes.
• How nervous-system safety comes first — and why behaviour-first approaches are doing more harm than good

Episode Summary 

I meet so many parents who are doing all the “right” things and still feel like nothing is working. In this episode, I explain what I believe is the missing piece: strategies don’t land unless the foundations underneath them fit your child’s neurology and your family’s reality (also- they need to be the correct strategies that align with your child's needs and your families)

I walk you through three foundations of attuned parenting that I see again and again in families who start moving out of survival mode:

1. My wellbeing and regulation comes first
   I know this can feel impossible when you’re exhausted — but your nervous system is the anchor for your child’s. When I’m depleted, I’m more likely to go into control, urgency, or shutdown myself (even with great intentions). Supporting my regulation isn’t an optional extra — it’s a direct intervention for my child.
2. I parent the nervous system, not the behaviour
   I don’t see meltdowns, shutdowns, refusal, avoidance, or explosiveness as misbehaviour. I see them as stress responses and communication. And with PDA kids, demands can feel like genuine threats, so safety, autonomy, co-regulation, and collaboration have to come before any strategy will work.
3. I shape the environment into a “yes space”
   The sensory and emotional environment is doing far more than we realise. Instead of trying to change the child first, attuned parenting changes the conditions around them — reducing overload, threat, and friction. When the environment supports regulation, everything gets lighter.

When these three foundations are in place, strategies finally start to fit — and family life becomes calmer, more connected, and more sustainable.

Key Takeaways

• I don’t believe calm homes are built by collecting more tools — they’re built from nervous-system safety and attuned foundations.
• The parent's regulation is the starting point for my child’s regulation.
• Autistic and PDA behaviours are signals of stress, not manipulation.
• Connection and autonomy reduce threat and

Transcript

Chantal Hewitt (00:00)
why is nothing working? And it is almost always because one of these pillars is being missed. Not because they're doing anything wrong intentionally, but because no one ever taught them that this is where they need to start. What you do need to see real change are these

three foundations that match your child's neurology and your family's lived reality. And that's what changes your whole story.

Hello everyone. Welcome to the Attuned Spectrum podcast. I am Chantal your host. Before you try another strategy that does not work, I need you to hear this. If you're supporting an autistic or PDA child and you feel like you're constantly bracing yourself or your family, siblings, grandparents, teachers, everyone.

For the next meltdown, the next spiral, the next nothing works day, it's not because you've missed some magical technique. Most families I work with don't need more strategies, funny enough. They're really good at collecting strategies, but what they do need are the right foundations. And a lot of the times we're not supported to have those, which make the biggest difference.

And this is because strategies only work when your child's nervous system is at the center of everything when they are supported. And that is what today is all about. So please join me for this bite sized episode that I know will give you those foundations that you need to begin making real change. And if you're listening in real time, we are coming into the holiday season. So this is exactly why I made this for parents who

know that a big change, a big shift is about to happen and that they want to get in fast before everything gets a bit out of hand in their home.

So we're heading into a season where routine shift demands pile up and everyone's nervous system is under more pressure. That is the children and the parents. So I do want to ground you in something that could change everything. So hear me out. Calm homes aren't built by collecting more tools.

They are built from the inside out and they start with you. So what parents are actually told versus what actually will help. A lot of parenting advice, even the gentle and the positive parenting that has really been popular in the last however many years is still rooted in behavioral thinking. It focuses on stopping behavior, on managing behavior or on controlling behavior.

And that's from the parent's perspective. But autistic and PDA nervous systems, they don't respond well, if at all, especially if your child is pathologically demand avoidant, PDA, to control as safety. Those two things don't work hand in hand. What they respond to is safety as safety. And control doesn't do that, doesn't create safety. So if your foundations aren't set up, if they aren't there,

then you can be doing quote unquote all the right things and it still won't work. It definitely won't work in the long run. And that is not because you are failing, but because that the advice was never designed for your child's nervous system in the first place. So that is what I will give you today. Let me walk you through the three pillars that I use with the families that I work with and that I use day in and day out with my own child within our own home.

And how I parent on a daily basis.

Think on the outside, these pillars are simple, but they're not shallow. There's a lot of depth with them. When they are in place, strategies finally land. We start with the parent, then support the child's nervous system, then we shape the environment. Inside, out. You start with what is there, what you can control, what you can change, and then there's a ripple effect everywhere else.

So as I said, there are three pillars, so pillar one of your foundation.

Well-being and regulation first for the parent. This is really important and this is the part that so many of our systems and society skip. But your regulation isn't a bonus, it's actually the foundation for your child's regulation because your child borrows your nervous system to feel safe and to feel calm. That means that they can feel your tension, they can feel when you're overwhelmed, your urgency, even when you are saying all the right words.

They can feel if something is off. So when you're exhausted, dysregulated yourself or stretched too thin, especially coming into this time of year, parenting turns into survival mode. And survival mode pushes us towards control, takes us away from being a calm parent. And we end up just trying to navigate through the day, getting through it, opposed to...

actually connecting with our child and our family in the process and supporting them and their needs that they have. So this pillar is about helping you feel steady enough to co-regulate your autistic or your PDA autistic child. Not perfectly calm, you don't need to zen out, just steady, just grounded. You can ask yourself, what supports my nervous system before I support theirs? Am I in a space

to support them when they are in meltdown, when they are overwhelmed for hours on end? Or am I running on fumes myself? What would help me feel more grounded today? Sometimes it could be food, maybe it's a shower, maybe it is tagging out, getting your partner to step in or a friend. Sometimes it's shifting the expectations that you're carrying.

And I do want you to hear this clearly. Your wellbeing and focusing on that before anything else, that is not selfish. That is a direct intervention to support your child's needs.

So this leads us to pillar number two, the child's nervous system, your child's nervous system.

Once we support you, we can then support their nervous system properly. This is where we stop asking, how do I stop this behavior? And instead we start asking, what is my child's nervous system communicating to me? What might I be missing? The meltdowns, the shutdowns, the fight, the flight, the panic, the resistance, the refusal. These aren't misbehavior.

It's never been misbehaviour, never been manipulation. These are stress responses. They are communication. They are telling you something really important and their nervous system is saying, this is too much. I don't feel safe. I'm not able to do this right now. Especially in a PDA profile, pathologically demand avoidant, where there's a persistent and ingrained need for autonomy, connection and control. Demands feel like threats.

even small ones, even kindly worded ones, even things that they love to do and want to do.

So you might be thinking, well, what do we do instead? How do we support this? What we do is we lead with co-regulation, we lead with safety, we lead with autonomy and collaboration. This could sound like, I'm here, you're not in trouble, let's take a pause, shall we do this together? You don't have to do this alone, I'm right here. It could also...

look like not talking and just being with your child or being nearby.

And we reduce threat by adjusting the way that our demands are perceived by them. Not how we perceive them, because we obviously intentionally don't mean to affect their perceived sense of safety.

So this is more choices, more time, more shared control, more flexibility, more connection. Because connection before demands isn't soft parenting, it's actually protecting and supporting their nervous system, which in the long run, that is to me, the most important thing.

Pillar number three is the environment. So the sensory space that your child spends their day in.

Because environments in our society, they're not set up for autistic children, for differing.

nervous system needs. The environments either support regulation or they don't. So this pillar is about shaping home and the other spaces into a yes space, a space where your child doesn't have to fight in order to survive within it. This includes acknowledging their sensory needs, light, noise, clothing, smell, anything that you notice that could really be triggering to them within their sensory world.

We don't start by trying to change the child. Okay? This is actually what a lot of traditional approaches get wrong. Inclusion is about starting by changing the environment and putting your child in the center. Every tiny shift matters, including them matters. Visual cues matter, so they know what's coming next. It isn't just about the quiet corner. It is about a space that supports them.

So how can you extend that quiet corner into everything you do within the day, within your home? And then that extends as well into other people's homes, into education systems, into the doctor's office.

Can you add in unrest moments, a buffer of time, perhaps a different tone in your voice? If you reduce verbal processing when they're overwhelmed, then the environment will be more supportive of their nervous system. And then your child doesn't have to escalate in order to be heard. These are just some examples, but this is what happens when the environment isn't set up in a way to support your child's nervous system.

So you might be asking now, well, Chantal what next? What else do we do? And this is where we put it together. This is the shift in our parenting. This is the foundation, okay? So these three pillars are the foundation in order for anything else to work successfully and in the longterm. When families come to me,

They often are saying to me and asking and demanding, why is nothing working? And it is almost always because one of these pillars is being missed. Not because they're doing anything wrong intentionally, but because no one ever taught them that this is where they need to start. You don't need to become a therapist. You don't need to collect hundreds of strategies. What you do need to see real change are these

three foundations that match your child's neurology and your family's lived reality. And that's what changes your whole story.

So this is what I would love to offer you. I have just created a foundational, attuned parenting 30 day series with optional supports. I'm running a free 30 day attuned parenting foundation series right now across my TikTok, Instagram and YouTube. This is my kind of introduction into the social world. These are short practical videos one day at a time built exactly around these pillars

You can jump in anywhere, but if you want the full pathway, you start at day one and you follow along daily. And please comment, I want to hear from you. I want to see if you're enjoying something, if you want more of something, even if something's not making sense or not landing with you. Please tell me, I'd love to know.

And if you decide to follow along with the series on my social media accounts and if you're thinking ⁓ this is great but I need something more than a 30-second snapshot video, don't worry I've got you. These videos, so this 30-day series, is actually part of a two and a half hour course and it's a free course.

So I have created a course module by module and so I shouldn't even have said it's two and a half hours because I don't want that to intimidate you. It is laid out really easily with short bite-sized videos. You can either watch the video, it's just of me talking with some notes on the screen or you can just put in some earbuds, some headphones and go for a walk. Think of it like this podcast that you're already listening to.

but it breaks down these three pillars and then how to pull it all together step by step. I've created it so it sits within my Attuned Parenting Community. I've created an area within the community where you get free 30 days of access if you would like support or connection with other parents who are going through this journey as well, or if you want some mentoring from myself, I'll be popping in there on a regular basis to say hi.

and to guide you if you need some supports.

The link to grab your free full series of Attuned Parenting is within the show notes. this is your free course, guides you through everything that is within the 30 days of the foundation series.

However, you want to consume this information if it is of interest to you, you can follow along the next three weeks of the podcast of Attuned Spectrum. That'll be linked to each pillar as well. So you can listen on the podcast, you can go to social media And then if you're really wanting more, then I do invite you to please grab your free course.

It has everything in it that you might need to make sure that you are getting started on the right path. And there's also templates in there as well. So you get some freebies along the way that are within the course.

And lastly, if you were thinking, okay, I need help applying this to my child in my home, like now, like beyond this series. Then for you, I've just opened up a small number of one-off sessions, 75 minute attuned breakthrough sessions. I have a few spots left before the holidays. I'll link that in my show notes as well.

or within the YouTube video description. So if that interests you, if it's something you feel like you might need more one-on-one support, grab your session. What we'll do is we'll map what's going on beneath the behavior. Wherever you're at, I'll meet you there. We'll look at your child's nervous system needs, what your next steps are as a family.

You can find the booking link again in the show notes or within the description of the YouTube video.

So to sum up, you are not failing. You are doing everything possibly that you can and you are parenting in a system that wasn't built for your child. And that's where we change that. And in order to do that, we need to start with the foundations. We need to go from the inside out.

and things can and will get lighter from here.

I will see you next week.